Finally the sun is back! I needed it! It’s been a little while since I’ve written. There were little thoughts I was storing away to write about but was too busy to write and now I no longer feel like sharing them.
Easter is this weekend. It’s supposed to be a time of joy and celebration. Our Savior conquered the grave! He made the ultimate sacrifice. And all I want to do is get through this holiday. I am so sick of that feeling, just trying to make it through. There is always drama and swirls of evil circling any holiday where family congregates. I am so done. I really would move to China to escape it all (or maybe Texas 🙂 ). But at the same time I feel so tied down, so rooted. I think it would be easier to say to hell with it all, forget them, but I just can’t do that. Why does family continue to wound and scar their own?
Maybe that’s a contributing factor to my desire to have a child so badly right now. It’s a hope for normality. If I can create my own little normal family with our own obligations to each other than I can forget all the rest. But then I think, my kids don’t have a chance! Why would I want to bring them into this chaos and constant hurt and abandonment? I used to think my family was close and strong but it has been falling to pieces for so many years now I don’t remember what a normal holiday get-together looked like.
Maybe I should sneak my way into a new family. Or create my own friend family where we get together in peace, harmony, and love. We would build each other up and support one another through anything. Emotionally, financially, whatever they needed we would be there to give. I have been discovering that Christ’s bonding blood has been stronger than my familial blood. I have had friends, and parents of friends, and acquaintances who have been there in a more real way. Thank you to those who have been there. Wish me luck this Sunday. Hopefully I won’t be throwing eggs at anyone. 😉