After 4 months of job searching in Austin I am employed. You would think I would be bouncing off the walls but my happiness is more subdued. The job I received is a teacher’s assistant at a pre-school for a young toddler classroom (ages 13-18 months). The pay is very low and in Austin traffic it will take me 40-45 minutes to commute to. I do not feel that this job will give me the valuable work experience I’ve been seeking after to help me determine the path to my career. But here I am with a job, isn’t that what I’ve been asking for? I think what I’m realizing is that taking this job is showing me that I have too much pride. In my head I am thinking that I should be doing great and remarkable things. That I am too smart and have worked too hard to be changing diapers all day long. But who am I to say where I belong? Where God can use me?
Since we (there I go talking like a married person again, we we we all the way home haha) have moved to Austin we have joined a church called The Well. It has been incredible. The pastors are so passionate about their message and speak real truth into our lives. Since we’ve been going, each week the message has directly related to what we have been struggling with since moving down here and even prior. Some of those things have been about the plans for our lives and where we find our identity. Paul (one of the pastors) was talking about how we don’t really ask for God’s wisdom for our lives we ask for his confirmation on a decision we’ve already made. Like “come on and follow ME Jesus, just get in the boat with me and follow ME God.” Whoa whoa whoa! Ummm how many times have I been guilty of that? Here’s MY plan God come on and jump on board. It should be the other way around!
Also Paul has been speaking about how if we put our hope in our “success” we’ll be left with nothing. That if we put our hope in getting good grades, to get the scholarship, to get into a good school, to get the good degree, to get the high paying job, to buy the house, to get the nice cars etc etc… what are we left with if that all disappears?? Where are we putting our identity? I know so much of my self-worth has come from my academic success. And now that, that success means jack diddly squat I’m left feeling empty and like a failure. When I SHOULD have been putting my hope in God more than that 4.0. In church Paul has also been speaking about how our life circumstances do not define us.
So ya I have a low paying job that I feel like leads to a dead-end, but this is the door that God has opened for me. This is where he wants me. I’m not sure why yet. And my plan may not be God’s plan. Maybe his plan IS for me to work in daycare? I don’t know. But I need to stop being so prideful because I might miss some really cool things God is trying to do in my life. So my prayer is to be content exactly where I am. To be content in Austin, at this job, with no money. Lord help me to be content….