When I said that I needed to write during this time, I really meant it. I wrote in the beginning and I’m glad I did, but coming back to formulate my thoughts has been a challenge. I have thought a thousand times about sitting down to write where I am in the process of healing. Lines and words come rushing to mind while in the car, brushing my teeth or staring at my school books. There are so many things I want to say. Life has been complicated for a long time, and the hubster and I continue to feel the repercussions in many areas of our life as a result of what happened to me. It has affected every facet of our life. Like I’ve said and thought a million times, grief is unpredictable. There are some days that I feel strong, and others I crumble.
I am sick of thinking about everything, and I think I need to come here to just write. This may sound silly but one of the most helpful instruments in me starting to come out of this dark hole has been Instagram. Having a phone that allows me to have a camera where ever I go has helped me do what I love best; document the little things. Life is made up of so many small moments that get overshadowed by the big ones. My friends have always poked fun at me and how I not only notice, but get excited about little things. I am usually the one to point out how the sun is reflecting off the clouds, the stunning tree that we pass at 70 MPH, twinkle lights in the trees, or the blooms that sprawl across a front lawn. Jokes usually follow about unicorns and rainbows, but I just don’t care. The little things hold all the hope. Lately everything has been blacked out by this ugly dark cloud. Having a way to capture those sweet, beautiful fleeting moments reminds me that there is still joy in the midst of pain. Little snapshots of simplicity remind me to breathe and that normalcy will return. All these seemingly routine pieces of our life make up the majority, and these are the precious, tangible gifts from God. So I hold on to them. I hold on to tiny pieces of hope, because if I don’t, I will be left in the black out.