I have been absent from writing again. Grad school took over, and any sort of writing or reading for pleasure has fallen to the wayside. I’m back for the present moment because if I don’t write during this season of my life, then it could be a very long time before I do. When I say “season” I don’t mean this new busy graduate school season. I mean this dark, confusing, grieving season. I was violated and hurt deeply by someone who I trusted, and was a big part of my life. Before your thoughts wander to my darling hubster, it was not him. What happened impacted and is straining our relationship, but he is still the incredible, loving, supportive, rock of a man who I’ve loved for the past seven years. He is caring for me, and loving me, and I know is even more angry than I am in my darkest moments.
I am tired, I am beaten down, I am angry. Some days I am so angry that I shake, and cry, and can’t pause my racing thoughts. Some days I am so exhausted that just to breathe requires a great effort. I can’t sleep, and my appetite is fleeting. I am in the thick of it. And even though I know that people who love me are hurting with me, I still feel so very alone.My life up until this point has been one where I have been hit with blow after blow. Things have happened that most people never experience in their lifetime, let alone the succession and combination of all these things, and I’m just tired. In the past I have been able to cling to God and let him carry me through the crises, always trusting in his provision and sovereignty. I never blamed Him for what had happened, but knew that it was a product of living in a broken world. But this time, I’m angry at Him. I want this target removed from my back, and I want peace. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says: “ No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” Today, I think this is bullshit. Because I can’t handle any of it, and certainly not this. Maybe one thing I could have handled, but not all of it. And I know that it’s not my job to “handle it”, it’s God’s, but I’m the one who’s living my life and suffering the consequences because of someone else’s actions. I’m the one who still has to be a student, worry about my finances, figure out how my relationships and community will look now, make decisions I don’t have the energy to make. I’m being honest in my anger and hurt, rather than wear a painted smile and say “things happen for a reason,” or “it will all work out.”
Praying is difficult, one or two words is about all that I’m capable of right now, but I know that is enough. A dear friend reminded me that in moments when we cannot pray, the spirit intercedes and prays on our behalf, and even though I struggle for words, God already knows all of them, he knows all of my heart, even the darkest parts that are filled with hate, and I am so thankful that God is not a God that requires us to come to him with a fresh face, ironed dress, and plastic smile. His love is not based on how many rules I follow or how appropriate my reactions are. I do not worship the church, because guess what, it’s filled with messed up, sick, and broken people who are capable of hurting one another in profound ways. God is the only truth. He is the only thing that’s real.
My life has been turned upside down, and I’m back to basics in learning how to function. I have no idea what comes next, so I’m taking it one day at a time, and holding on to those moments where I feel like there is life outside of my head.